A Step in the Right Direction
by Radiday
Summary: "He can't be this okay. Not after…," JJ trailed off. "He just can't. He's bottling it up and one day he's just going to fall apart." Luke helps Reid through a tough time. Post 13x06.


Luke found him pacing in the men's bathroom after they had returned from the bunker. His phone was balancing on the edge of the sink, shaking slightly as it buzzed.

"Reid?" Luke said as he poked his head through the door and entered.

"He keeps calling." Reid didn't look up when he spoke, but kept pacing, hands running through his hair.

"Who?"

"Derek. Every day. Every few hours. Hotch too."

"Have you answered?"

Reid shook his head. "I don't want to talk. He doesn't seem to understand that."

"Well hey," Luke said gently, "maybe I can go tell Garcia to tell him to stop? He'll listen to her."

Reid shook his head again. "He'll just get more worried. He'll probably show up here." He kept pacing. Back. Forth.

Back.

Forth.

"Okay, well how about you send him a text? I can do it if you want. Just. 'Not a good time. I'll call you.'"

Reid seemed to think about it before nodding, taking his phone off the sink and doing what Luke suggested. But he didn't stop pacing.

Back.

Forth.

Luke was getting dizzy just looking at him.

"What else is going on?" he prodded gently.

"Nothing."

"Reid, come on, man. It's obviously not nothing. I can't leave you in here like this."

Back.

Forth.

But still no reply. Luke sighed and tried something else. "Okay, just tell me what you're thinking. Just blurt it out, whatever it is."

Reid stayed silent for a few seconds, but finally said, "I'm trying to go to a meeting."

Luke furrowed his brows. "A meeting?"

Finally, Reid stopped pacing and looked at Luke. "I'm sure they mentioned the drugs."

Luke nodded in understanding. "Tobias Henkel."

"I'd been clean for ten years."

"That's incredible, man."

"But then Lindsey Vaughn gave me cocaine and heroin and now…"

Luke shifted, waiting for the younger man to continue, but he didn't. "Now what, Reid?"

"I'd been _this_ close to getting my ten year medallion. And then I fucked up and ruined it all," Reid snarled.

Luke tried not to let is shock show. He hadn't known the genius as long as the others, but he was certain that Reid was not one for swearing.

"You didn't take it voluntarily though. There's rules about that sort of thing, isn't there? If a doctor recommends narcotics or…"

"Except a doctor didn't recommend it!," Reid practically shouted, punching his fist down into the smooth porcelain sink. "I put myself in a position where Lindsey was able to do that. It's my fault."

" _No_ , it's not, man. It's not your fault…" Luke trailed off, unsure if anything he said would pull Reid out of this funk. He took a deep breath before adding, "So you're trying to go to a meeting? Would this be your first one since prison?"

Reid nodded, resigned. "I've been a couple times, you know, to the meetings, but I get to the door and I just _can't_ go in. I can't face it. I just keep thinking, if I say it out loud, then it becomes true," Reid spoke quietly, head downcast towards his shoes.

"Okay. Okay," Luke nodded. He was getting somewhere.

When the team had returned from their six-week hiatus, they had all expected Reid to be different, suffering the signs of PTSS. It was impossible not to, after prison. Everybody, including Mateo Cruz, was surprised when Reid began working as professionally and efficiently as ever, showing no hesitation even in the most harrowing situations.

Luke remembered a conversation he had had with JJ one late night about it.

 _"_ _It's too good to be true," JJ had sighed as she stared at Spencer's desk. The genius had gone home hours ago, much like most of the team._

 _"_ _I get what you mean," Luke nodded, following her gaze. "It's like we're waiting for the other shoe to drop."_

 _"_ _He can't be this okay. Not after…," JJ trailed off. "He just can't. He's bottling it up and one day he's just going to fall apart."_

 _Luke put his pen down and sat back in his chair. "Well then we wait," he said, getting up and putting a comforting hand on JJ's shoulder. "And we put him back together when he does."_

Truth be told, Luke thought Reid breaking down might actually be a good thing. _He needs to let it all out, he needs to say what he's feeling._

"So why don't you want to talk to Derek?"

Reid shook his head. "I just don't."

Luke paused, once again giving time for Reid to elaborate. This time, he did.

"I guess I'm angry at him," he continued, although he didn't sound angry. He sounded sad.

"Okay," Luke nodded, leaning up against another sink.

"It's dumb. I didn't tell him. There's no other way he could have known. It's my own fault and yet I'm still angry with him."

Luke shook his head. "Anger doesn't have to make sense, Reid. But this time, I think it does."

Reid looked up with eyes that broke Luke's heart. "You do?"

"Yeah, man. I would be angry too. He's your best friend. He named his son after you, and yet he wasn't there. He wasn't working to get you out. His life was going on while you were stuck inside a prison."

Reid looked up at his reflection in the mirror. "I don't want to be angry."

"You gotta let yourself _feel_ , man. That's the only way you can get through this," Luke said, stepping forward, closer towards his friend. "Who else are you angry at?" he prodded.

Reid didn't say anything. He stood before Luke, looking as ashamed and distraught as ever.

"At Hotch?" Luke supplied.

"Yeah," Reid nodded after a beat. "Yeah, I guess."

"What else?"

"Lindsey Vaughn. And Scratch."

Luke nodded. "What else?"

"Cat," Reid said, the word dripping in venom.

"Why, Reid," Luke prodded. _He needs to say it._ "Why are you angry at Cat Adams?"

"Because," Reid snarled, "that _bitch_ took everything from me. My mother, my job, my freedom. He took a breath before continuing. "My sanity, _my sobriety._ She won, in the end."

Luke furrowed his eyebrows. He didn't expect that. "What makes you said that?"

"It's it obvious?" he looked up at Luke, eyes blazing. "She ruined me. She got exactly what she wanted. I poisoned that batch of drugs. I would've killed Scratch. I'm angry _all the time._ I put my mother back in a home! I told her I'd never do that again! I told her I'd never leave her!" he shouted, his voice rising with every word. "I'm exactly what she said I was," he finished with a whisper.

"No, Reid. You are an FBI agent. You are a genius. You are a _good man_. You did what you had to do to survive. The world needs you, man. You had to get out of there by any means necessary. That doesn't make you _anything_ like Cat Adams. That makes you human."

Reid was silent his eyes rimmed with tears. "You know what I'm really angry about?"

"What?"

"All those years ago, back when Gideon came to CalTech and offered me a job… I'm angry I said yes."

"What? You regret joining the FBI?" This time Luke couldn't hide his shock. Worry was starting to bubble inside of him. _Does Reid want to quit?_

"Any normal person would, don't you think? After all this," Reid looked around. "After twelve years of people dying and people leaving and Foyet and Ian Doyle and Tobias Henkel and what happened to Gideon and Morgan and JJ and…" he trailed off. " _After prison_ … it would make sense to want to leave."

"It would," Luke nodded worriedly.

"So then why the hell can't I?"

"What?"

"I can't leave. I get hundreds of job offers a year! I could be a millionaire! I could've won a Nobel Peace Prize! I have three PhD's that I barely use. I could literally have done anything I wanted, and yet here I am! I can't leave. I don't want to. So, once again, it's my own fault," Reid laughed bitterly. "Sometimes I think I should've taken an offer after Gideon left. But then I went to do it. I go and try to accept an offer, and it just feels _wrong_."

"You're angry that you don't want to leave the team?" Luke supplied.

Reid nodded. "I'm angry that all of these things keep happening even though I know this is where I'm supposed to be. The FBI is my home. I've never had any other job. If I'm in the right place, if I'm supposed to be doing this job, then why can't I catch a break?"

"I wish I knew, man."

"I just… I never thought this is how my life would turn out. I… We were in that bunker today and I… it was like I was right back there in a prison cell."

"JJ said you were incredible."

"I had to get us out of there. She has a family. She couldn't die down there."

"And you could've?" Luke asked, concern evident on his face.

Reid shrugged. "When I was in prison, I had convinced myself that I was going to die in there. That after everything I thought I could do growing up, everything I'd been through on this team, I was going to die behind bars for a crime I didn't commit. Dying on the job didn't seem so bad anymore."

"Reid…" Luke's voice had growing concern in it.

Reid shook his head. "It's not like that, Luke. A few years ago, I contracted Anthrax on a case. It was the closest I'd ever come to thinking I was going to die. I had Garcia record a message for my mom. When she came to visit me, when she threatened to talk to the warden, I asked her if she still had it."

 _So that's why she was so upset._

"She wanted to know why I was asking. She said nothing was going to happen to me, that I'd be okay.

 _But it was like you both knew it wasn't true._

"I couldn't imagine my mom knowing that I'd died in prison. I just… I didn't want her to think this was her fault."

Luke stayed silent.

"I want to be here, I know that. I _need_ to be here. But then why am I still so _goddamn_ angry?"

"You can't bottle it up, Reid. Maybe that's how you've survived all the shit that's happened to you. Maybe you put up these walls and try to keep everyone from feeling it with you. But you _can't_ do that anymore. It's not healthy. We are all here for you. You don't have to talk to us, not if you don't want to. But you always can. And we will always be here to remind you when you forget it."

Reid smiled slightly. "I'm a genius. I don't forget anything."

Luke laughed. "Good. Well then, remember this too. _You are a good man._ I can see why Derek named his son after you. The world would be a lot better place with more Spencer Reid's running around."

"Listen, man," Luke added, growing more serious. "A buddy of mine owns a boxing gym downtown. After I got out of the Rangers, he gave me a spare key, in case I ever couldn't sleep or something and wanted to work it off. I think you should give it a try."

"I don't know how to box," Reid said.

"Neither did I. I'll teach ya. We can do late at night, or whenever you want. But doing something physical might help you work through your anger. It's a start, at the least."

Reid nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'd like that."

"You wanna start tonight? The gym closes at 9, so we'd have the place all to ourselves.

"Actually, I think I'm going to try a meeting again. For real, this time," Reid said quietly, looking back down at his shoes.

Luke smiled. Things were headed in the right direction. "That's awesome, man. Want some company?"

"Oh, no, you don't have to. You've probably got a million other things to-," Reid said nervously.

"Reid," Luke cut him off. "I'd be honored."


End file.
